Long Overdue Post

Hello Everyone, 

This is a long overdue post. I stopped blogging this year because I was so busy that I could either sleep at all, or blog. Now it has finally calmed down a little and I can adjust to everything that has happened over this past year. I’ve made amazing friends, finished my third year of university and had some very exciting opportunities and achievements. I’ve developed my dancing and teaching skills. But I was not blogging.

There are multiple reasons for this. Lack of time was the main one, but also the enthusiasm I had for blogging was gone. I didn’t know how to get up the energy or motivation to write. There wasn’t something I felt I could be writing about or for. This is due to a loss of my voice and what trying to say with my blog.  I got mixed up and bogged down by what other people were saying I should say, or what I sounded like.

I felt I had lost the uniqueness that I’d had last year, being the Scot in New Mexico, and I’ve been trying to deal with that. After spending last year going out and doing exciting stuff all the time, and being able to tell people about it through Life in the Deen. However, now I’m back in Aberdeen, I was suddenly just a face in a crowd. I was no longer ‘special’ or ‘memorable’, nothing more than just the short girl. I was just another Scottish girl at a Scottish university. My novelty had gone. And I lost a little confidence in myself. Instead of saying why not, I would just say why? Why me? And although that sounds whiney, it is how I felt. I felt I had to try so hard to be different, and to stand out, and although this was a fun year, it ended by falling a bit flat as I didn’t really move on from what I had been doing the past year. I am glad it’s over now. I hadn’t achieved everything I wanted to, and so I was disappointed with myself.

I discovered that people wouldn’t always listen to me, or believe in what I was saying, and for whatever reason they had, my face didn’t quite fit their vision. And even if you’re the one who worked hardest on something, that is not always rewarded or realised by people. And part of me felt, no feels, quite knocked by this. I was never going to be good enough, so why bother trying? I was not necessarily the best, but I am a grafter. However, claiming you will work the hardest at something is fairly hard to claim as a full-proof argument. Anyone can claim they will do that, it’s kinda par for the course.

I am a modest person. I am not good at bigging myself up anyway, and when you get hit with a stream of rejection, it’s almost impossible to continue to believe in yourself and your abilities. What makes you any different? Why should it be you? These questions can be asked as confidence boosters, or as cutting insults depending on the tone and inflection, and for that to be going on inside your own head can be incredibly damaging. Once a thought like that is conceived, and takes root, it is difficult to shift. And it will grow and develop until you no longer trust something you love to do.

To lose your way, and your voice is something that is incredibly difficult to do, and to explain.

I started concentrating on what something should be rather than trying to create what I wanted it to be. I got bogged down on details, and then did not voice my concerns when I didn’t understand or agree with something. I stopped thinking my voice was valid. I was hung up on how I should say something rather than what I could say, or wanted to say. And so, I lost my voice with Life in the Deen. I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t think that anything I was saying was valid or worth anyone to listening to.

I am still working on it, and I give myself daily reminders that my voice is valid, my emotions don’t make it any less so, and I should remember that girl who went out to New Mexico last year. She was fearless and didn’t care what people thought of her. She was self-sufficient with her own independent spirit, and didn’t need someone else to validate her achievements for her. She had courage, and I need to channel that girl. She is still somewhere in me, and I have to remind myself of her. If you are feeling this way too, or have felt this way at some point in your life, comment below telling me about it. I’d love to hear about how you dealt with it, or are dealing with it. 

Being thin

Hello Everyone,

There is a lot going around these days about accepting yourself and loving your body, especially if you're curvy, and those evil, evil men with their Photoshop are not promoting your body type. Its okay, you're beautiful with those curves, and those girls that don't have them are just bitches. They're entitled middle class white girls who don't know anything apart from being a pretty face. Karma will get them, just wait and see, men like women with curves, not ones that are shaped like a 12 year old boy (or are thin enough to be called that). 

Okay, I may have been a little melodramatic with that point. But consider it. There are so many things out there that are 'thin-shaming' today, pictures with a slim girl in a bikini wet and bedraggled after coming out of the ocean with a bad angle, compared with a picture of Marilyn Monroe with the the caption: "When did this become sexier than this?" Since when was this acceptable, but reverse the images and it becomes cyber-bullying, people come down hard on you for it? 

I've been lucky throughout my (short) life that I haven't needed to particularly worry about my weight, I've always been slender, and had a fairly fast metabolism. In primary school, I was often called 'the Dustbin' as I would eat anything and everything, because I was always hungry. I love food, and will eat a lot of it. As I grew older, this suddenly became a big deal. I got told that I was 'lucky' or that I will one day regret eating all that food. People would look at me strangely whenever there was a buffet, as I would fill my plate up, and then go back for more once it was empty. So my plate sizes reduced. It was a gradual thing, until I realised that I would never be able to compete with the boys my age, something I had always been able to do. Now, I don't think that there is a particular problem with this, I never deprived myself of anything, and I never went hungry. But the fact that people looked at me like that, and with such judgement that a twelve to fifteen year old became self-conscious about the amount she ate, and changed it to avoid such gazes is appalling. Being thin and not eating next to nothing became reason for judgement. 

I was also told by girls (not guys, funnily enough) that I was too thin, and that I needed curves. In fact, one girl actually told me that a dress I was wearing would fit her better, because she had some curves to fill it out. So, no wonder I have some body issues, and weight is one of them. There is a lot of pressure for thin girls to remain thin, or to be thinner, just as there is pressure on over-weight girls to lose weight. We are told we should be happy with our bodies. If I say anything bad about the way I look, I get told that I shouldn't have any body troubles because I am thin. Or someone will tell me that I need to put some weight on, that I need some meat on my bones, and that's why I have problems buying clothes. Because I'm too thin. 

Now the situation changed slightly. I will choose to have a salad, and I get looks, and people saying to me, 'you don't need to eat that, you're thin.' 'I would love to be thin, you can eat whatever you want' as if being thin means no body problems or anxieties. So, essentially, I get judgement when I eat a lot, and judgement when I eat less, or opt for the healthier option. The common denominator has to be being thin. When I was younger I could put it down to people just being jealous. Now, I'm not so sure. The media are either going one way or another, the 'you must be skinny in order to be beautiful, look at all this weight this celeb has lost', or the 'you must have curves to be desirable, or to feel good about yourself in any way'. Sometimes they do both at the same time. This has to stop. People are beautiful just the way they are, if they're happy with their body, accept it. Don't tell them things to make them feel bad about their body, like you need to lose weight, or you need to put on some. Or to try the children's section when you go shopping. 

This has happened to me. A high street shop that I've gone to, especially for jeans, will not have any in my size. I ask them if they have any in the back, and they say that they don't stock clothing in that size because nobody is that size. Well, clearly people are, and what are we expected to wear in the meantime, as it is illegal to walk around with no clothes on? And I get told to try the children's section. Now this is not too offensive to me as a student, as I'll take anything as long as it is cheap (and no VAT on children's clothes is exactly that), but for my mother, who was just about fifty when this was told to her (in M&S, the slightly older women's clothes shop) that she should try the children's section for a pair of pajamas. Now, don't get me wrong, my mum looks good for her age, and is still pretty slender, but no way is she going to fit into child size pajamas (even the age sixteen which I think I will never fit). 

We should accept people for the size they are, or perhaps not judge them depending on their size, but their personality. Don't comment on someone's size, even if you think of it as a compliment, it might not be one to them. Instead of saying, 'you look really thin in that', just say that they look nice, or it brings out their eyes. It makes anyone feel better to hear that, that their worth is not dependent on their size. A throw-away comment can stick with someone for ever, especially when they hear it enough. 

Sex

Hello Everyone,

This idea for a post has been playing around in my head for a while now. Months.So, this is going to be a long post. 

Sex. In America, sex sells. It does everywhere else too, but everything and anything is sexualised in the USA. It is one of the most talked about subjects, between both genders. A friend of mine, after only meeting a few times, straight up asked us how many guys we'd been with. Sex is a completely open subject; with most people being completely comfortable telling you about their previous sexual partners, comparing anatomy, different positions and levels of kinkiness. The arrival of 50 Shades of Grey, and its resulting movie, has also brought it into all kinds of media limelight and scrutiny (or since it last was there, which may have been not too long ago, as sex sells). 

This isn't exactly a revelation to me. I'm nineteen, so sex isn't new; it just struck me how much Americans talk about it. And how in depth. I knew more about my American friends sex lives after four months than I do about my friends from high schools'. Yes, people have sex, but it's an kind of abstract concept, a subject skirted around in polite company, no detail to it there. What happens behind closed doors, and all that. It's just accepted, and really only talked about in subtext. 

I said sex is the most talked about subject in America. I don't have any evidence to back up this claim, but from my experience, it's true. Being curious about sex is encouraged, as well as asking questions about others' sex lives (and giving opinions on it). However, even though it could be the most talked about subject, its also the least talked about. I have barely heard any of my friends talk about the emotional questions about sex, which are the ones that I want to know about. 

I am not the most experienced with sex (this might play into why I'm writing this post), in fact, I am one of the least experienced people you could know in this subject. To put it simply, I'm a 19 year old virgin. (Sorry if that was too much information, I'm just being honest, and refuse to be embarrassed about it.) My friends, when doing the polls for our years' Yearbook, voted for me in the category of 'Most Likely to Become an Adult Movie Star', and I came second, because everyone thought it was that hilarious and ironic. I'm not doing it for religious reasons, and I don't intend to wait until marriage to have sex. It just hasn't happened. I haven't had that connection with someone that I'm looking for. I'd quite like to be actually involved with someone at least semi-seriously before I have sex with them. Its not a big deal, it is just how I feel. No matter how lightly America treats the subject, or Britain's ignoring it, sex is a big deal. And not just to fist-timers like me, but everyone. It creates an intimacy between two people that can't be replicated easily. 

I have a friend who struggles with this intimacy, easily developing feelings for guys after they sleep together, with the guys not reciprocating these feelings. She believes that guys only want to sleep with her, and so she lives up to this standard, sleeping with guys who she only recently met. Guys have picked up on this, and have strung her along as their 'booty call' when it is convenient for them, dropping her when it isn't. However, she wants this to change, and I believe she will start to treat having sex with someone more seriously than she has. 

I don't judge. People can do whatever they want with their lives, and if they choose to sleep with lots of people, then all I will say is 'make sure you use protection'. Nevertheless I judge and hate people who blame sex and relationships on other people. Someone, who will remain nameless, slept with someone on the first day that they met, said to them that it was against their morals to have done so, and to perhaps not do it in future, conveniently forgetting that it takes two to tango. You can't have sex with someone and remain totally blameless and judgmental about it to the other person. You can't have your cake and eat it. It's like when men blame women for looking desirable, making it okay to rape and sexually harass someone on these grounds, Not allowed. It angers me so much it is unbelievable. I don't get wound up by too much, but that will do it for me. Hypocrisy combined with a bit of sexism. I have plenty more stories that play along these lines, but I will save them for another time and another post. Guys, listen carefully, I implore you. If you or your friends do this, please point out the horrible double standard you employ. If you sleep with a girl on the first date, and then judge her for it, but when your friends do it, you give them a high five, stop and think about what you're doing. Why is this fair? When is this fair? Ask yourself, if this was happening your sister, or cousin, or girlfriend, or even daughter, anyone you know, how would you feel about this? 

Sex is a big deal, and it should be treated as such. Not such a big deal that it is a taboo subject, that's when judgments and uneducated mistakes starts to happen. It has to be discussed with as much seriousness as it allows. Don't be scared to ask about it, or bring up the uncomfortable issues surrounding it. If you are uncomfortable, or unsure about anything, ask. But remember to laugh. Sex is meant to be fun and enjoyable, no matter how much people like me rant about it. It is a closeness between two people who are living life in the way they choose, and that cannot be forgotten. 

Valentine's Day as a Single Gal

Hello Everyone,

Since it has been a year since I started my blog, I thought I would revisit my most popular post from last year. And, since it was just Valentine's Day, it makes sense to do this one.

This Valentines' Day was an interesting one to say the least. Not filled with rose-petals and romance, but memorable either way. I got up early to work on some homework and reading that I had, and then breakfast with my roommate. After this I went outside to take some pictures with my GoPro. I was planning a Spring outfits post for today, but then some things struck me, and changed the post to the one I am doing now.

Valentines' Day is a big deal in America. A much bigger deal than in Britain. It is a day that is heaven if you're in a relationship, and hell if you're not. I've been reminded a lot more that as I don't have a current partner at the moment, then I am failing miserably in society's expectations of me. I am supposed to be only trying to meet the guy of my dreams, as well as getting my career sorted and becoming financially independent from my parents. Having it all, and having it all sorted by the time I'm thirty maximum. Why does Valentines' day have to put so much pressure on people to have the picture perfect life?

I'm not sure if this is what guys feel at Valentines' Day, but as Barney Stinson points out, not having a date on 14th February means that a lot of girls get desperate, so guys can take advantage of this desperation. We feel like we have to be in a relationship, and be loved as a result. There is a failure in this way of thinking about Valentine's Day, that its encouraged to be in any relationship, no matter how new or unhealthy they are.

I have many happy Valentines' Days, my best friend would often leave cute little presents at my front door with no note attached, almost like my own secret admirer. Last years' Valentines' was pretty eventful and comedic. This year was no different. Long story short, I got stuck up a tree. I'm not normally this accident prone, but it seems something in me wants to take back Valentines' Day for me. I'm single, cool, and have no need for someone else to define me. Keep it in perspective. Its just one day of the year. Nobody should be ashamed of being alone, ever. I'd rather be a single, well grounded person than an emotional wreck in a relationship (and I mean toxic relationships that mess with your psyche and put you in a bad place). Take your Valentines' Day back for yourself in some way, and be happy with the way you are. Don't be ashamed of your singleness, and don't hate on those lucky enough to be in a relationship either. Let them have their celebrations together, and be happy that they have someone to share it with. You'll get it one day.

There are 365 days in a year. One of them is Valentines' Day. That's a lot of time where not being in a relationship doesn't matter. So don't let that one day make a difference. And remember: Tomorrow's another day.

Bouldering

Hello Everyone, 

Last weekend, I went bouldering for the first time. A group of friends and I climbed a big hill covered in boulders. That's pretty much what we did for the day. It was really fun. I used to do things like this when I was a child visiting my cousins in Dundee, we would walk along the beach and my elder cousin and I would climb on the rocks as far as we could. This was like that, but more extreme. Lots and lots of fun. We were the slower of the two groups we went with, but mostly because we kept stopping for 'photo-ops'. There were some glorious views over looking Albuquerque, and the weather was fantastic. I didn't even get sunburned! 

Going Out

Hello Everyone, 

Every girl loves going out. Especially, the getting ready to go out. Picking your outfit, choosing the accessories, and doing make-up. Its the only time it is perfectly acceptable to spend half an hour in the shower doing absolutely nothing. However, my favourite part is doing my makeup. I will spend so much time doing, just because I am going out. There are some items that I will never leave for a night out without them in my make-up bag. 

Simple Ultra-Light Gel Moisturiser

An extra light moisturiser is perfect as a base for make-up. It is especially good as being ultra light, it stops you looking quite so shiny when you're sweating on the dance floor. The gel formula holds onto your make-up pretty well too, so you don't really need a primer, unless you have ultra oily skin. 

Rimmel London Stay Matte Pressed Powder Tansparent

Mattifying powder is a must when I go out, and this is the best one I have ever used on the high street. I use instead of foundation, but it can be used as a setting powder for your base, giving you a matte finish that lasts all day and night. It comes in a variety of colours, including Transparent, so it is suitable for all skin types. 

Rimmel London Gel Eyeliner in Black/Emerald

Depending on the look I'm going for, I will generally use either black gel eyeliner, or Kate Moss's Emerald. Everyone loves a winged eyeliner, and I love using interesting shades and colours, so these are perfect. 

(From left to right) Tanya Burr Lipgloss Vampire Kiss, Max Factor Lipfinity Lasting Lip Tint in 09, Clinique Red-y to Wear

Red lips are my signature 'look' for a night out, so I have a slightly large collection of red lips. I use stain, gloss and classic lipstick. These three are my favourite. The Clinique is a blue toned red that reminds me of Marilyn Monroe, it is a glossy, glamorous finish that reminds me of the Hollywood Golden Age. The Max Factor Lip Tint has incredibly good colour pay-off, it will last all day with no bleeding. The Tanya Burr Vampire Kiss Gloss was a Christmas present to myself, and it is gorgeous, it can be worn by itself or with the stain. 

Mac Amplified Lipstick in Violetta

Although you can never go wrong with a red lip, sometimes I want to try something a little different, and my love of interesting colours means that I am often drawn to this. A gorgeous purple with a slight shimmer to it with a satin finish, this is fantastic if you want to spice up your normal make-up look. 

L'Oreal Paris Colour Appeal Trio Pro Blue Eyes

Creating a smoky eye could not be easier with this little kit. This one is made specifically for blue eyes, but there are some for other colours too. It makes my eyes pop, and is very versatile with other palettes and in creating different shapes with the shadow. 

New Look Pure Colour Glitter Nail Polish in Rose Gold

This adds a little sparkle to every outfit. Simply apply a coat over existing nail polish, or for a more subtle approach, use a clear base coat, and apply on its own. Rose gold is a lovely colour, and will enhance any nail colour. 

My Daily Routine

Hello Everyone, 

I love beauty, and beauty tips and recommendations of beauty products. The only time I cannot leave a shop without purchasing something almost all of the time is when it sells beauty products. So I am going to go through my make-up collection (condensed make-up collection, I may add), and use each item at least once in a post, either reviewing them or using them in a make-up tip.

I have a lot of 'everyday' products that I use, depending on time restraints, my having a 'good skin day', or what I 'look' I am aiming for that day. The ones in this post are some that I keep going back to again and again.

This was a new product that I picked up on a whim, and I love it. It removes my makeup incredibly easily and without any harsh dragging on my delicate eye area. My mascara and eyeliner seems to melt off my eyes without my realising it. I was worried that it would make my skin break out after I used it, but it does not seem to block my pores. 

I am really careful about what I use on my skin, as I don't want to use too many harsh chemicals on my skin, stripping it of its natural oils, causing more breakouts as my skin works to replenish it ten fold and clogging up my pores. Simple is very good, and doesn't cause my skin to flare up incessantly. I love this cleanser particularly because although it doesn't get rid of blackheads, it does leave my skin feeling refreshed and it does not get as oily throughout the day as it normally does.

I love this moisturiser. It manages to both moisturise my skin, and keep shine off my face all day. All I have is a nice dewy glow to my face, not oily. The fact that it works with my cleanser is a bonus as well. 

This was another impulse buy. I had been constantly reading about the foundation that goes with this concealer and it was on offer, so I tried out a tester. It matched perfectly with my skin, so I bought some. It completely covers any under-eye discolouration that I have, and makes my eye area much brighter and much more awake. And of course, you can't even tell that I'm wearing it. 

I've just started filling in my eyebrows, and this is the only light brown powder that matches my eyebrow colour. It is a darker brown than I would normally use, but when on, it is much lighter than in the palette. It makes my eyebrows much less sparse looking, and while I am growing them out, it creates an even shape and colour. 

This is a quick fix for my already ruddy cheeks, creating some depth and definition in the apples of my cheeks. The slight shimmer also brings out a glow in the apples, along with a highlight. 

Rimmel London Soft Kohl Kajal Eyeliner in Black and White
Maybelline ExpertWear Eyebrow Pencil in Blonde

My pencil eyeliners are staples. I use the white one on my lower waterline to create a wide eye look, the black to outline my lower lash line, and the pale brown if I am in a rush with my eyebrows. The pencil gives my eye brows structure and definition quickly. 

No. 7 Stay Precise Felt Tip Eyeliner in Black/Brown

This felt tip eyeliner is a life saver, creating winged lines in a flash. It also can get right into my lash line drawing a thin line to create a natural boost for my eyelashes, making them seem fuller and darker, and defining my eyes. 

Urban Decay Naked 1 Palette

The Naked Palette is something that I just love. I feel incredibly chic when I wear it, as I have never really been that good with nudes, but this palette makes it easy. The colour pay-off is very good, with it staying on my eyes all day. The bronze undertone to all the shades really makes my blue eyes pop, and there are enough shades to create a multitude of looks. 

No. 7 Exceptional Definition Mascara in Black

This mascara is a life saver. It creates fuller, longer looking lashes with a natural looking curl. It does everything I want in a mascara, with no clumping. If I am in a rush in the mornings, all I do is apply this, and I'm good to go. 

What are your 'go to' products in the morning?